


Between Heaven and Hell

by PrincessTurk



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Lemon, M/M, Memories, Romance, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-10 06:48:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20131090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessTurk/pseuds/PrincessTurk
Summary: After Zack's death, Cloud recalls their short life together and wonders where he can go from there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Parts of this story are narrated by Cloud (italics), then it will switch into third-person mode. I hope this isn't confusing to anyone.
> 
> *Published on FFnet on May 14, 2010.

_I'll try to take you back to the beginning. Everything I know and remember that is true… maybe even some things that might seem a little off the wall. My story._

_My childhood? It wasn't too grand. There was nothing special about my life in Nibelheim. Sure, I had a couple of friends, but not very many. Me and my mom lived together in a small house near the town's water well. I liked to climb up there every once in a while and act like I was spying on the townspeople._

_But you don't want to hear about that, do you? You know most of those things. What you don't know about is the time I spent with him: days wrapped in sunshine and nights blanketed with stars. His head on my chest. The way he folded his body around me while we slept._

_I can't say what it was that first attracted me to him. Maybe it was the fact that he seemed upbeat and cheerful - such a direct opposite to my usual demeanor. Perhaps it was the way his eyes shone… and when he smiled, those blue orbs sparkled with a mixture of mischievousness and love - particularly when he looked at me._

_You know how the story ends. But how we got there? It's a whole other story._

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was cold, but Cloud was used to it, since he had grown up in Nibelheim. They were in Modeo, a town way out in the mountains and snow as far as the eye could see. He was just an infantryman, pretty much along for the ride as backup while more important people did what they had to do. Their helicopter had gone down, but they were all okay. Cloud watched as Tseng, the leader of the Turks, brushed the falling snow from his suit while a first-class SOLDIER, who seemed to have everything under control, stood with his hands on his hips and looked around at their surroundings. With swift movements, he began walking up the snowy hill.

Cloud made his way over to him and was able to keep up the pace beside him. Zack noticed and laughed, stopping for a moment.

"You don't seem to be as cold as everyone else," Zack said, laughing. He nudged Cloud a little with his elbow, and he smiled beneath my helmet. "I'm used to it," Cloud told him.

"Where are you from?"

"Nibelheim."

"I'm from Gongaga," Zack said, and Cloud took off his helmet. He held out his hand and Zack grasped it firmly. "I'm Zack. It's nice to meet a fellow backwater expert," he said, laughing. "I'm Cloud," Cloud told him, and smiled. Zack smiled back, his eyes sparkling.

"You have a firm grip," he said. "Why aren't you in SOLDIER yet, Cloud?"

Cloud looked down, embarrassed to let him know that he was a failure. According to the Shinra company, he apparently didn't meet the high standards of SOLDIER to impress anyone, and he didn't want Zack to know. But he told him. Cloud didn't look him directly in the eye, but told him why. And he didn't laugh at him like some of the other guys did. No. He placed a hand on Cloud's shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

"You'll get there one day, kid."

He had known who Zack was. He'd seen him work his way up through the ranks. Everyone knew who Zack Fair was. Now, here he was with him, bonding over mountains and trees that had been present in both of their childhoods.

From that day on, they were inseparable.

It started out innocently enough. They began to eat lunch together a few times a week, and then one night, Cloud got a knock on his door. He was lucky that he was one of the only infantrymen to have a room all to himself; it was a most coveted thing in the group. A lot of the guys were jealous over it.

He stumbled out of bed with only a pair of sleeping pants on. It was a little after midnight and he had been asleep for only an hour or so. He had stayed up late to study a few things that had been assigned to him. He opened the door a crack and blinked as light from the hallway spread in through the opening and flooded his darkened room.

"Hi."

"Hey, Zack."

He opened the door completely and moved aside to let Zack in. The strong odor of alcohol, maybe vodka, followed him as he shuffled past Cloud and made himself comfortable on the couch. Cloud shut the door and locked it out of habit, then joined Zack. He sat with both feet propped up on Cloud's small coffee table and he settled back into the couch, sighing heavily.

"You mind if I crash here tonight?"

"Of course. Why not just go back to your apartment, though?"

"….Locked myself out."

Cloud started laughing. He couldn't help it. The fact that his superior was drunk on his couch and had locked himself out of his apartment was too much. He pictured Zack in his head, coming home from the bar and kicking the bottom of the door in frustration when finding out he'd left his key on the table inside. Zack gave Cloud a weird look, one eyebrow raised and the other furrowed in disbelief.

"You're laughing? And this is funny why?" he said, laughing himself. "Sorry," Cloud said between hiccups of laughter.

Then Zack kissed him.

It took Cloud by surprise when Zack had abruptly stopped laughing and seized both sides of the blond's head with his hands and pressed his lips against his. His lips were warm against Cloud's, and Cloud found himself relaxing into the kiss, however suddenly it had happened. The grip around his head loosened and Zack's fingers began to move down the sides of his face, ending at his jaws. One hand softly played with the lobe of his ear while the other hand stroked his jaw line. Their lips parted and Cloud sighed softly as their tongues touched and moved smoothly against each other.

The kiss ended no sooner than it had began, and Zack pulled away, breathing heavily and rubbing his palms on his knees. "Wow," he said breathlessly. Cloud sat silently and wasn't sure how to react. His hands lay calmly in his lap until Zack reached over and grabbed one hand, intertwining their fingers together like a fleshy jigsaw puzzle. "Sorry," Zack said, then added, "I'm a little drunk."

Cloud laughed nervously. "Yeah, but… that's not the entire truth of why you did it," he said. Zack shook his head. "No. I have feelings for you. We've been friends for a few months now, but I have to admit that I've liked you from the start. I can't hide it anymore," he said.

"Me, too," Cloud admitted.

"So… you and me, maybe we could give it a shot? You know?" Zack said nervously. Cloud smiled on the inside, somewhat amused by seeing Zack so nervous; it was a bit out of character for him.

"Alright."

Cloud had no idea that he had just signed up for eternity by uttering one word.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

_And that was how it began, really. No big parade and no flying banners. Just two friends on a couch in the middle of the night. So began our life together. Would you like to hear more? I'll gladly tell you. The details are still so fresh in my mind like it all happened yesterday, but it doesn't take away the fact that he is gone now, and I'm alone._

_I still hear his laughter and I still see his smile. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night crying and I don't know why, only to later remember that I was having a dream about him._

_As I write this, I'm chewing my fingernails down to the flesh. Some of my fingers are bleeding. I don't sleep very well anymore. I fear I'll join him soon if I'm not careful._


	2. Chapter 2

_I had to stop writing, had to stop thinking. I managed to get a little sleep, but the sleep was interrupted by dreams of you. As always. I woke up and began to hit the bottle, not even taking sips at a time but guzzling it down. Now I've had too much and I'm a little drunk, but I should be alright to write more._

_Now, where was I? Oh…_

\--------------------------------------

Zack woke up cradled in warmth for the first time since he had been a child in his mother's arms. He noticed right away that the surroundings were not his own, and remembered that he had slept over at Cloud's the night before. The warmth was coming from behind him. He had fallen asleep on his back, nestled between Cloud's legs with his long legs hanging over the side of the couch. A blanket covered them, but the true warmth was from his best friend.

He eased up slowly and tried not to wake Cloud, and stared in awe at how the sunlight came through the window and played on Cloud's hair. It made his hair seem much brighter than what it usually appeared. He could see tiny hints of light red and black throughout his scalp and the spikes that seemed to defy gravity. Light freckles were lightly sprayed across the bridge of his nose and his high cheek bones - details that he had never noticed before.

He was absolutely beautiful.

Zack moved slowly to turn himself over so that he could lay on his stomach on top of Cloud. He meant nothing sexual by it, of course; he just wanted to be closer to his heart.

He laid his head down on Cloud's chest and sighed contentedly as he heard the soft and familiar thudding of the blond's heart. Slowing his own breathing, he finally was able to match his own breaths with Cloud's, and for a long time, it was as if their hearts were beating as one.

Cloud woke up and shared a secret smile with himself. It was nice to wake up to someone instead of waking up alone as he had for so long. There was a sense of security knowing that Zack was there - and had been there all night. Though he didn't want the moment to end, he finally shifted a little and Zack raised his head.

"I think we may have overslept," Cloud said, raising a hand over his eyes to block the sunlight. Zack grinned up at him. "It's the weekend, remember. No classes on Saturday, and that means we've got the entire weekend together. That is, if you'd want me here."

"Of course. I would prefer it if you never left again," Cloud said, blushing when he realized that he was speaking aloud. Zack smiled, then raised a hand to Cloud's face. "It's good to see you this morning. I like waking up with you," he said.

Cloud paused before replying, then found himself taking hold of Zack's hand.

"Zack… Kiss me again?"

The question came out sounding innocent and yet somehow peppered with a hint of lust, and Zack swallowed hard. He raised up slowly and held himself up with one arm on the floor as he kept the other on Cloud's face. As his face inched closer to Cloud's, he noticed that they both automatically closed their eyes at the same time. Through lidded darkness, his mouth found Cloud's and their lips grazed each other softly, then gently pressed against each other and parted.

So soft and warm. It was like kissing an angel… but who was the angel? Was it Zack or was it Cloud? Either way, they both felt as if they had entered through the gates of heaven and were now in the presence of light. This kiss was so much better than their first one. This one had taken on a life of it's own, and time seemed to slow.

Hands drifted to soft raven hair and fell gently down the back of Zack's neck, making him shiver. He ended the kiss and opened his eyes, not bothering to move away from Cloud's face. Cloud could feel Zack's hot breath falling upon his cheek. It was Zack who spoke first, visibly filled with lust, his face flushed and his skin hot.

"I'm so in love with you, Cloud… so much that it hurts and I don't know why."

Cloud felt his mouth parting slightly out of the sudden declaration of love from his best friend. He had always wanted someone to say those words to him. All his life, he had wanted someone to love him and to adore him. He never thought he'd ever find that person, especially since he had spent the last year or two trying so hard to get into SOLDIER. He had put thoughts of finding love out of his mind in order to concentrate on studying - that is, until he had started noticing Zack. Never in a million years would he have thought that they could ever be together, and now here he was lying on top of him and speaking words of love.

"Hey, Cloud? Say something, man. Anything," Zack said, laughing nervously. Cloud drifted back to earth, to the present, and smiled.

"I love you, Zack."

Zack collapsed onto him, putting all of his weight onto the blond. "Whew!" he exclaimed. "I was scared you'd send me out the door!"

"…Of course not," Cloud said. He smiled, feeling Zack's heart thudding wildly through his chest. "Zack?" he asked, waiting for a reply. "Yeah?" Zack said, raising his head again and looking at him through crystalline eyes.

"I want you to stay forever. You're my best friend, Zack, and I love you."

"Then I will. I'll be here until we're old and gray - promise."

\----------------------------------------------------------

_But you didn't, did you? It wasn't your fault, I know, but damn you for not being here. Damn you for not keeping your promise. We could have run to the edge of Gaia together, never looking back. I'm sitting here without you and I can't imagine doing anything else except for drowning myself in this bottle and remembering your smile._

_Do you remember later that morning when we finally made ourselves get off the couch and we made breakfast together? You made the best pancakes this side of Midgar. I was amazed at how perfectly round you kept the batter. Hell, you even helped me do the dishes afterward. And do you remember what happened after that?_

_I remember it all too well… so much that it hurts._


	3. Chapter 3

Cloud stepped into the shower and closed the flimsy curtain. Turning the water on, he hissed as cold water hit his flesh then slowly began to heat up. He turned the taps as far as he could, getting the water as hot as he could bear it. Reaching for his bar of soap, he realized that only a thin sliver remained, and cursed because he knew he'd have to step out of the hot surroundings and would be hit with cold air. He really, really hated that. Or…

"…Zack?"

How embarrassing. He could have gritted his teeth and made a fast dash to the cabinet, but it was too late now. He heard Zack open the bathroom door.

"Need something, Spiky?"

"…Yeah. A bar of soap. I would have gotten it myself, but…" he trailed off, blushing. Zack laughed and said, "But you didn't want to get out of that cocoon, huh? I hate doing that, too." Cloud sighed with relief that Zack understood where he was coming from and listened as he rustled around in the cabinet. Seconds later, a hand reached over the shower curtain with a fresh bar of soap. Cloud reached for it, then gasped when his wet hand made contact with Zack's dry hand. It was as if electricity had shot through his body. The combination of wet and dry skin made him weak in the knees and he didn't understand why.

He took the soap from Zack and set it on the edge of the tub. He slowly pulled back one edge of the shower curtain and looked at Zack, who stood patiently to see if Cloud needed anything else. Suddenly, Cloud reached out with both hands and grabbed Zack's shirt, pulling him closer and crushing his lips against the surprised man. They were quickly entranced with one another, and everything else melted away. Before he knew it, Cloud was pulling Zack into the shower with him, clothes and all.

Never breaking the kiss, Cloud began to unzip Zack's black turtleneck shirt. His hands made slick by the recent contact with the bar of soap, he slid his hands slowly over hardened stomach muscles. Zack moaned softly into Cloud's mouth and his breathing picked up. The water flowed over both of them, completely soaking Zack's clothes. He didn't seem to care, though; he was enjoying himself too much. Through his pants, he could feel Cloud's hardened cock against his, and he ached to touch it. He didn't want to startle Cloud, but he reminded himself that the blond must have been thinking somewhere along those lines, especially since he had been the one to drag Zack into the shower with him…

And so he took a chance, reaching one hand down and curling his hand around Cloud's flesh, causing him to break the kiss and gasp aloud at the sudden sensation. He looked up at Zack, his eyes wide. Zack smiled at him and leaned in for another kiss. Cloud willingly gave in and pressed himself against the man, urging Zack to touch and touch some more. Indeed, he did. Gentle strokes left Cloud clawing softly at Zack's back beneath his shirt. With a shudder and a short cry, he came rather quickly, coating Zack's hand with his essence and almost collapsing against him.

Zack rinsed his hand off underneath the falling water and they moved together to sit down in the tub, Cloud nestled up against Zack's chest. Zack kissed the top of Cloud's head and smiled into his hair. The water rained down on top of them, the sound drowning out everything around them. It was only the two of them, together, safe. Secure. Cloud raised up and kissed Zack, capturing his tongue with his own, craving to feel more of his touch. He really hoped he would.

"We should get washed up," Zack said, breaking the kiss and beginning to shrug off his shirt. He tossed it out the side of the shower curtain and stood up slowly. Cloud averted his eyes when Zack began to take his pants off, even though he wanted to see… but it was too embarrassing for him to watch like a voyeur, like he was ogling Zack. He turned around and began to wash himself, not bothering with his hair; he had just washed it the day before.

"Cloud… Don't be afraid to look at me," Zack said softly, reaching out to touch Cloud's shoulder. He gently turned Cloud around and met his eyes. "Look at me, Cloud. I want you to see what you do to me."

Cloud slowly looked down and his breath hitched as he took in the sight of Zack's large cock. It was long and hard; it seemed perfect to him in every way, and he could only imagine what it would feel like to have it inside of him. He bit his lip and looked back up at Zack. Zack moved closer to him and cornered him against the back wall of the shower. Placing both hands at either side of Cloud's head, he leaned forward and whispered into Cloud's ear, "I want to be inside of you."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_…I just died inside. I felt my heart leap into my throat, knowing that Zack wanted to make love to me. He wanted me. He wanted to share himself with me, in one of the most intimate ways that a person can. I closed my eyes and let him take me into his strong arms. I didn't even notice that he had turned off the water, but somehow he had. We were in my bed, the sheets wet and lukewarm to the touch. His hands traveled down my body and left my skin on fire where his fingers touched…_

_I remember lifting my legs up and inviting him to claim me. His hands gently grabbed my hips and lifted them, then he entered me slowly. He kept asking me if I was hurting too much. I told him no, and I was honest. Truth be told, it felt as if we were made for each other. We fit together perfectly, and I knew in my heart that I would never give myself to another._

_He came inside of me and did not cry out. Instead, he softly said my name while he released himself, our hands twined together like vines on a tree. Later, he told me it was the most beautiful thing he had ever experienced. He said that if there was a heaven in the afterlife, making love to me would be it._

_We stayed in each other's arms on that wet bed for hours afterward. We talked of our future and wondered aloud if things would change when he had to go on his next mission. He didn't want to leave me behind. I think about it now, and I wonder if I could have said anything to him to make him stay. Two days later, he left for Modeo again, where he lost one of his best friends and mentors, Angeal.  
_


	4. Chapter 4

Cloud had just returned to his room for the day. An absolutely boring class had left him feeling drained and restless at the same time. He sat down on the couch and pulled his boots off. He hummed with pleasure as he stripped off his socks and wriggled his toes. He smiled down at them, remembering how Zack had told him he had beautiful feet, especially his toes.

"I love your toes. They remind me of women's toes, though. So small and pale. Fragile."

Cloud laughed at him and gave him a playful shove. "Thanks a lot," he mumbled, but a hint of a smile seeped out from beneath his façade. "I meant that as a compliment. They make you seem innocent. But…," Zack tapped Cloud's forehead gently. "I know that up here, you're not as innocent as you seem," he said, grinning.

He missed Zack, even though the man had only been gone for three days. He looked at the clock on his wall. By his calculations, if everything went well, Zack would be beating down his door in fifteen minutes. Two days ago, he had sent Cloud a text message with his arrival time. _Can't wait to see you again, Spiky. Been missin' you too much. It's cold here and I need you. Be back Wednesday at five._

But Zack didn't arrive. Text messages that Cloud sent to him came back rejected; no service in the area he was in, maybe? He went to bed alone, leaving the door unlocked in case Zack came by later while he was sleeping.

A creak on the floorboard made Cloud jerk awake. He fumbled around for the lamp switch and squinted when light flooded the room. In a chair by the window, Zack sat with his head in his hands and his elbows balanced on his knees. He was sobbing. Jumping out of bed, Cloud ran to him and knelt down in front of him, taking him by the arms.

"Z-Zack? What's wrong?" Cloud asked, nearly in tears himself from the energy that Zack was putting out. Zack looked up at him from upturned palms that cradled tears, and said, "Angeal is dead. Oh Gaia, Cloud! Angeal!" Cloud caught him as he fell forward, his body wracked with grief. He could do nothing but listen to Zack's incoherent babbling and soothe him with gentle hands and kind words. After a while, Zack stopped crying and stood up. He took Cloud's hand and led him into the living room area. He flicked on a light and a bright gleam caught Cloud's eye immediately.

Balanced against the wall was the largest sword he had ever seen. He recognized it immediately as being Angeal's sword, and looked at Zack with questioning eyes.

"Cloud… I learned something very important this morning. Honor is a strange thing… You know, dreams and pride… all that shit… and… he said that they… well, you know…" Zack trailed off. Cloud had no idea what he was trying to say, and it was made even more difficult by the fact that Zack was speaking in broken sentences. One thing was heard loud and clear, though: a sentence Zack mumbled to him in earnest.

"If something ever happens to me, I want you to have it."

Cloud recoiled in shock as he realized that he had never really, truly considered something happening to Zack. Zack was too strong and too witty. Hell, he was a first-class SOLDIER now. Everyone knew that Zack was one of the best. He shook his head at Zack. "Don't talk like that, Zack. I don't like it," he said.

"But it's true, Cloud. One day something will happen to me, and one day something will happen to you. Everyone, everything dies. That's just a fact of life, Spike," Zack replied. Cloud looked away, still shaking his head.

Zack slept with his back turned toward Cloud that night, his skin reflecting moonlight and smelling of earth. Cloud didn't mind. He liked to curl himself against Zack and fall asleep with his head pressed against his back, hearing the slow thumping of his heart. It was as if he were protecting Zack instead of it being the other way around. Tonight, most of all, Zack really did need his protection.

\---------------------------------

_I couldn't change what happened Zack, and I'm sorry. I'm glad that you let me be there for you, though. I remember before you fell asleep, you told me that you loved me. I was so happy, Zack. So happy that you were able to push aside your grief for a moment to remind me that you loved me. But I didn't need reminding._

\---------------------------------

The days passed in a blur. Zack was slowly beginning to move some of his things into Cloud's room. Much to Cloud's annoyance, Zack had a lot of junk. Not just the usual junk that some people keep, but there were boxes upon boxes of matchbook collections from bars and casinos he had visited. Stacks of old newspapers cluttered many of the boxes. Here and there were a few items of clothes: a mismatched sock, a ripped t-shirt that read Brunettes Do It Better. Cloud snickered at it and put it on while Zack had his back turned.

"You certainly do it well, that's for sure," he said, and Zack turned around and laughed. "Oh Gaia, Angeal got that for me a couple of years ago," Zack explained, then flinched at the mention of Angeal's name. But his eyes stayed lit up, amused at seeing Cloud wear it. He walked over to the blond and grabbed his hands, pulling him in for a kiss. "I like it more on you than I ever did on me," he said. "Oh yeah?" Cloud asked, grinning into the kiss. "If brunettes really do it better, I suppose you should prove it to me again," he added.

And prove it, he did. In fact, Zack proved it to him not once but twice that day. The first time found Cloud on his bed, knees bent and ass in the air. He really liked it when Zack took him from behind. It made him feel like such an animal, and the sounds the man made him produce were nothing short of it. The second time arrived later, and he found himself bent over his small kitchen table.

"Now, how the hell are you gonna do this…?" Cloud panted. "This table isn't steady, Zack!"

"Hrm. Slow and easy then, gorgeous," Zack mumbled, steadying himself and holding his cock in one hand while running a finger down Cloud's spine with the other. He saw the blond shudder, heard him moan and then arch backward.

A buzzing noise interrupted their coupling. "Son of a bitch!" Zack cursed, and Cloud groaned with irritation. "Hold on," Zack said, giving him a quick smack on the ass cheek. He grabbed his phone and read the message that appeared on his screen. He sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling. Tossing it aside and onto the couch, he reclaimed his place behind Cloud and leaned forward, placing a kiss on his shoulder. "We have to go to Junon," he said. "Better make this quick. You know the boss doesn't like to wait." Cloud groaned in reply and tried to relax, but he was dreading having to go out on a mission.

When he felt Zack enter him, however, all thoughts were wiped away for the moment. He came quickly, thanks to Zack being a complete speed demon. Not only that, but Zack was whispering words of love to him the entire time. He was somewhat crestfallen when Zack finally came, knowing that they would not be joined together any longer, and who knew how long it would be until they finally made love again? The thought darkened his day even more than the order to go to Junon.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_That was pretty fun, though, Zack. I can laugh about it now, but back then I remember being afraid that the table would fall apart and I'd crash down to the floor below us. Somehow, I knew that you wouldn't let that happen to me. I could tell that you'd never put my life in danger in any way because you were my protector and savior in every way possible. I just wish I could have saved you._

_I'm drinking again, Zack. I found another picture of you today. It was one that I took whenever we got back from Junon. The picture is so beautiful, Zack. You are sitting on my bed with your back turned toward me. You head is turned slightly to the right as if you're looking over your shoulder, but your eyes aren't looking at the camera lens. You're just in a pair of your black pants; your back looks massive from this angle. So strong. The sheets on the bed are crumpled and there is an imprint on the pillow where my head had lain beside yours._

_Sometimes I roll my head around on the empty pillow beside mine on the bed. I make an imprint, then I move aside to my own pillow and stare at the empty space where your head should be. I pretend you're just out for lunch or maybe you're teaching a class, and you'll be home soon._

_Believe me when I tell you that it's not the same._


	5. Chapter 5

_I'd never been one to be completely clingy with Zack, but when we reached Junon, I didn't want to let him out of my sight. I just kept feeling like something was around the corner; something was going to happen that I couldn't prevent._

_The ride on the helicopter, as always, made me nauseated. I immediately vomited down the side of the wall once inside the main town of Junon. Zack came behind me later and tried to soothe me with soft words and a joke. It didn't help, but I appreciated the concern. That was my Zack - always thinking of others first and never taking care of himself as he should have. He was almost jumped from behind by an angry townsperson._

_We took care of the town; got the monsters cleared from the area and helped the people get safely back to their homes. We ran into Cissnei, who told Zack that there was a fan club for him. You should have seen his face, to finally be shown some support like Sephiroth, Angeal and Genesis. I told him later that night that I was actually the first member, and that anyone who told him differently was a lying little bitch._

_Zack got us a room at the local hotel in the residential area of Junon. We ate the most delicious take-out Wutaian food that night and stayed up late, just talking. No, we didn't make love again, but I got to hold him and kiss him for hours before we both passed out from exhaustion. It was all I needed anyway: just to know that he was by my side for at least another day._

\-----------------------------

"Good food," Zack said, stuffing some noodles into his mouth with chopsticks. Cloud nodded in agreement, his mouth too full to say much of anything. Their Wutaian take-out cartons were becoming more and more empty as the minutes ticked by on the clock. They both avoided any conversation about the next day, when they would have to go back to Midgar. They would surely be split up, Cloud thought. Zack would probably have to go on a mission that was too confidential to bring along a grunt like Cloud, and Cloud would have to stay behind like always and tend to his studies.

The two men shared a beer together after finishing their delicious dinner. They stayed seated at the small hotel room's table where they had eaten, and silently sipped their respective beers. Cloud had never been one to drink very often; he was still fairly young and had not yet acquired a taste for it. Every once in a while, Zack would look over at Cloud and just stare at him with a strange expression. Not that it made Cloud uneasy or anything, but it made his entire body tense up. It was an expression mixed with lust and wonder. He couldn't quite put his finger on what was making Zack stare at him that way, but he never asked.

They took a hot shower together, and Zack washed Cloud's hair. He loved running his fingers through the soft blond locks, just as he loved being able to take care of Cloud this way. He loved the way that Cloud always became listless after having his scalp scrubbed, leaning slightly forward in a daze. Often times, Zack ended up having to carry him to bed afterward, but he enjoyed that as well.

Any little thing he could do to make Cloud feel good was worth it to him. Any thing, any price - _all_ of it was for him. He lived for Cloud's smile.

Nestled beneath the covers next to one another so closely, their legs intertwined and their hearts beating as one like they always seemed to have, they stared at the ceiling and discussed their pasts. Zack told Cloud of adventures he had while growing up in Gongaga. Cloud had never been there before, and it seemed completely different from his hometown of Nibelheim. There some similarities, though, like the mako reactors and the wilderness… but Gongaga sounded like a dream to him. Cloud loved the mountains but had always wanted to go somewhere else other than Nibelheim.

"How 'bout I take you there one day? Just you and me, Spiky. My parents would love you like I do," Zack said, grinning. They finally looked at one another, and Cloud smiled back at him. "My mom would love you, too," Cloud said, thinking of his mother. It had been such a long time since he had seen her face. She would be surprised if he showed up with a boyfriend after all this time. At the same time, Cloud thought about how he would have to face the shame of his downfall: he had not been able to become a member of SOLDIER as he had told everyone when he left Nibelheim. He could just imagine the disappointment on his friend Tifa's face. She had expected him to be some big-shot SOLDIER guy to rescue her if she was ever in trouble. He groaned and shifted to his side to curl against Zack. Zack brought an arm around and clung to Cloud tightly.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Alright then. Have it your way. You know, it's much easier if you just talk about things, though. You gotta let it out sometime," Zack prodded light-heartedly. "I know," Cloud replied. "It's just that... everyone expected me to be a hotshot working for Shinra. I don't want to let them down, that's all."

"You'll make it in SOLDIER one day. I know you will," Zack said, then ruffled his hair. "Like I told you the first time we talked, just hang in there and you'll have all your dreams come true."

Cloud swallowed hard. "What if… all my dreams are of you now?"

Zack's breath caught in his throat. The way that Cloud had said what he did, it sounded innocent and truthful all at once. Wrapped in that truth and innocence was an unspoken promise that Zack knew Cloud would probably never be able to say himself, unless prompted by Zack. So he went for it.

"You're dreaming of that house upon a hill with a picket fence and a couple of cats, maybe a dog, aren't you? Maybe a ring, maybe a couple of adopted kids...?" Zack said softly. He felt Cloud tense up beneath his arm, and knew he had struck gold. Cloud nodded. "…Yeah. Something like that. I guess you could say that even though I still want so badly to be in SOLDIER, at heart I just want to be with you. Run away with you and never look back. It would be heaven," Cloud said.

"Heh," Zack laughed shortly. "Never thought I'd be one to settle down, Cloud, but meeting you put an end to all of those negative thoughts. I can actually see us setting up house somewhere. You're… you're my best friend, man. I love you."

"I love you, too, Zack. It's funny, though. I don't think that house on the hill will ever happen."

"Why not?"

"You're going away soon."

"What do you mean by that?" Zack asked, feeling slightly nervous. Was Cloud some kind of fortune teller or something? Nah. "Oh… It's about what I said the other night, isn't it?" he realized, thinking back to when he had told Cloud he could have the Buster sword. "C'mon, Spiky. I didn't mean it like that. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I don't have a death wish or anything like that," Zack said, laughing softly.

"I don't know, Zack… But ever since you said that, I've had a bad feeling about everything. Maybe it won't happen tomorrow or the next day, but you're definitely going to leave me sooner than you expect," Cloud said. And he was serious; Zack knew this by the tone of his voice. Though he knew he shouldn't change the subject or try to play it off as being an unimportant topic, Zack knew he would have to do something to lift the spirit in the room. As of now, they might both be going to bed completely angst-ridden and upset. No way was he going to allow that to happen.

He lifted a hand to Cloud's soft cheek and traced the lines around his mouth, then leaned over and parted his lips with his own. Cloud was exceptionally responsive to it, his tongue dancing against Zack's as the short-lived moment of depression was lost. This was what it was all about: making each other smile when times got hard. Best friends until the end. Soul mates. Lovers forever.

The next morning, they headed back to Midgar. Zack left Cloud's room early that afternoon to visit his friend Aerith. He had been promising to make a flower wagon for her, and indeed he did. When he came back to Cloud's room that evening, he had a grin on his face that reflected how he felt inside. Cloud knew that he was proud of being able to help another friend; he appreciated the friendship between Zack and Aerith, and hoped that he could meet up with her one day to tell her thank you. Not only did she care for Zack, but she also gave him good advice on occasion.

Zack gathered Cloud into his arms that evening and said, "Come hell or high water, we will be together 'til the end. Just me and you, Cloud. I'd die for you… You know that, right?"

"Zack… Don't say that."

"But I would. I'd take a bullet for you."

\---------------------------------------------

_Yes, you did, Zack. You took many bullets for me. If you hadn't had been so concerned about my well-being, then you could have left me in the woods that day and escaped. But you chose to stay with me. I'll never find that in my life ever again, Zack. My love… My lover, my soul. My best friend. A lot of people say they'll take a bullet for their friends, but you actually did it._

_Sometimes when I want to torture myself, I'll go out to the market and look around for you. Sometimes I see you walking with a basket of fruit that you loved to munch on after a hard day at training. Then you round the corner and I see that it's not you at all. This is why I usually ask someone else to get food for me._

_On rare occasions, my heart gets the best of me, and I end up propping a picture of you up on the table. I make you a plate so that we can eat dinner together. The other night, I made you some pork chops - just the way you like them - did you see that? Sometimes I think you do see everything I do. I think you hear me, too._

_It's been so long, and I still can't wrap the idea around my head that you're never coming back for me ever again. Tifa says I appear to have lost my will to live, sitting around getting drunk and talking to myself. She doesn't know… that… I'm only talking to you. I'm sure I look completely crazy through the eyes of everyone around me. Tifa has never lost a companion, so she doesn't know how to handle me. She just doesn't understand._

_There was a bit of snow on the ground this morning when I woke up. It reminded me of when we first talked to each other. I scooped some up in my hands and wondered if somewhere you were doing the same thing and thinking of me, too… then I remembered... that there probably is no snow in heaven._

_The only snow in heaven that we experienced was in our heaven. Maybe someday I will join you there and we can drift away lightly, like soft snowflakes on the cold wind. Just you and I. I'm waiting so patiently for you to take me there, to your beautiful heaven. Heaven is so far away. Like you, it's untouchable now._

_I want to hold my breath until I can feel yours again._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ _"Woke up to the sound of pouring rain; The wind would whisper, and I'd think of you."_ \- Skid Row, 'I Remember You'.

_Gone. You're gone._

_I can sit here and argue with myself, tell myself that you'll come back for me. But that's not true. You won't ever come back. Your body was bloody and ripped to shreds. There's no coming back from that._

_Nibelheim…_

It was something he hated to remember, but it had to be written down. With painstaking strokes of his pen, Cloud began to write again.

\---------------------------------------

"Mmm, 'morning, Zack," Cloud mumbled, his eyes half-lidded. Coming out of his sleep to be greeted by violet eyes that pierced his soul… well, there was no better way to wake up than that. He nuzzled sleepily into Zack's chest, closing his eyes once more. "Don't want to go out of this room today…"

"Got to, Spike. Big day today," Zack said.

"Yeah, yeah. Reactors and all that stuff…"

"Uno. One. Then we can get back home where we belong. I've been thinking about askin' for a vacation. Since i've got more of a say-so now, you know, with my new rank and all... I was hoping maybe to get you off from work, too. Come with me?"

"A break from work plus a vacation with you? Sign me up!" Cloud said, grinning. Zack laughed at him. "You only want to go with me because you'll get time off!" he teased.

"No... I just... wanna be with you all the time, is all."

Zack kissed him on the cheek. "Love you. Let's get this assignment over and done with, and then we can plan out where we're gonna go," he said. "Costa del Sol, maybe?" Gods, he had it all in his head: the sunset on a beach, a nice dinner maybe... and a question that could change their lives forever.

"Hmm, that sounds nice," Cloud replied. "Yep. But we'll never get there if we don't get our asses up to Mt. Nibel pronto. Let's go, Cloud," Zack said, kissing him once more on the cheek and getting out of bed to get dressed hastily. The sooner the better. Then Cloud could be his eternally, if all went well during the vacation. He knew it would; Cloud would not turn him down.

\-------------------------------------------

_It had happened. Sephiroth had gone mad. I'll spare you the details, because you already know them. You can go to any library in Gaia and read the history of what happened. At least I'm still here to tell you the parts you don't know._

_When Zack and I collapsed alongside each other outside of the reactor, our fingers touched briefly. The spark of electricity that was always felt whenever our skin touched? It was faint, but still there._

_Long years passed us by; four years, to be exact. Kept in our individual tanks of mako and experimented on… well, I don't want to talk about that._

_It's better left unsaid, unwritten._

_I will say that I dreamed of him a lot during those four years. Most of the time, I couldn't tell if they were memories or just dreams, but they felt so real. Hell, it was almost as if it were now: where I'm just an empty shell, existing only in the hope that he will come back to me some day, and knowing that he will not. The memories can only sustain me for so long._

_Zack was my saving grace that marvelous day when we finally broke free of our hellish prison. He took me to a bedroom there in the mansion, laid me on the bed, and fished around in an old wardrobe for better clothes. He joked and said I stunk like hell, but I could tell that he was concerned. I lay like a vegetable - unblinking, unmoving - a rag doll with wet clothes and a searing heat running through my veins... both from the mako.. and for Zack._

\----------------------------------------------

"Hey, let's get you cleaned up. I could use a quick bath myself. I hope it will help with your mako poisoning. Anything to get you to snap out of it a little, right?" Zack said, hoisting Cloud over his shoulder and carrying him into the nearby bathroom. He quickly undressed Cloud, careful not to jolt his body around too much. He himself was not suffering from ill effects of the mako and the Jenova cells combined, so he didn't know if Cloud was feeling any physical pain. He just looked… out of it.

Frankly, it scared the hell out of him.

He ran a bath for the two of them, making sure to not get the water too hot. After he undressed himself, he scooped Cloud into his arms and gently eased them both into the water. He heard a soft moan gurgle up from Cloud's throat.

"I'm here, babe. I'm not going to leave you. Don't you worry. Just gonna get us cleaned up and get you into some different clothes," Zack murmured, his arms still wrapped around Cloud's chest. They were mid-chest deep in the warm water, Cloud sitting forward between Zack's legs and leaned against his chest. His head dropped forward and he began to shake gently.

It took a moment for it to register in Zack's brain that Cloud was crying silently.

"Hey, hey, hey. We'll be alright. I promise. I have a plan. We're going to go to Gongaga, maybe stay with my parents for a little while until all this chaos blows over. I know we'll be safe there, and I know mom and dad will love ya," Zack whispered, pressing himself even tighter against Cloud. He gently kissed the back of his neck and felt Cloud tense beneath him. Without warning, the blond in front of him was sporting an erection.

"…You kidding, Cloud? Not the time or the place, man."

"Ngh…"

Cloud used what strength that he could muster and, very very slowly, tilted his head sideways to reach Zack's lips. Not one to pass up a kiss from Cloud, no matter the situation, Zack pressed his lips gently against Cloud's. He felt Cloud's breathing become heavier and felt the energy in the room change over from tension to calmness in an instant. Zack went with it; he was no fool. He knew Cloud like the back of his hand, and one thing he knew was that Cloud was wanting him, yearning for him.

And he gave in.

Smooth, wet hands drifted across Cloud's skin and eased the ache that he was feeling in his veins from the poisoning. Comfort: it was just what he needed, wanted, craved. He craved Zack's hands all over him, soothing the burning that ripped his heart apart. He wanted Zack to put it all back together again.

Lips trailed down the side of his neck and he was silent and listless. It wasn't fair; he wanted to touch Zack like Zack was touching him. Every inch of him yearned to reach out and touch. Instead, he stayed limp against Zack's chest and enjoyed the feeling of his savior healing him with soft kisses and gentle strokes.

All at once, Cloud was lifted and carried back to the bedroom. Zack laid Cloud onto the bed and gently moved over him. Drops of water fell from his body onto Cloud's - and he watched as the drops slowly moved across Cloud's skin and dripped down the side of his body. Leaning down, he licked a trail from Cloud's side and scooped up the water with his tongue. He met Cloud's lips again, gently parting his lips to deepen the kiss. He could feel Cloud trying to kiss him back, but the blond's strength was wavering and becoming almost nonexistent.

Cloud finally blinked when he felt a drop of water land directly beneath his eye. When he looked up at Zack, he found that it wasn't water.

It was a tear.

Zack was crying silent tears as Cloud felt his legs being slowly lifted and pushed up, then felt his lover enter him, the passage made slick by the bathwater. Arms wrapped completely around him as he let himself be taken, and though he couldn't move, he felt every stroke that Zack took inside of him.

It was slow and sweet, and Zack was savoring every gentle movement that he made. He cried quietly until the tears were falling constantly. He was _making love_ to Cloud, not having sex with him. _Gods_, he was making love to this beautiful, beautiful creature that laid listlessly in his arms. With every inch of his soul, every breath that he took, every tear that fell, he was making love to Cloud.

Cloud came without a sound; the only proof of his release was in the sticky substance that coated his stomach. Zack followed suit, still making gentle movements inside of Cloud, and felt himself tip over the edge with a soft, silent sigh.

It shook his soul like nothing else - and they had not even worked themselves up to a fevered pitch before coupling, like they usually did back home. It was purely a combining of souls and hearts, and that was what made it so intense.

Zack moved beside Cloud and cradled him in his arms again. "I want you to know that I can't live without you. If something were to happen to you, I would die. You know that already, though…" Zack said, trailing off. He felt like he was spouting things that had already been said and didn't need to be said again. Something told him to keep talking, though - and he did.

"I love the way sunlight hits your hair in the morning when we wake up next to each other. I love the way you laugh and smile. I've never told you, though, that I appreciate your taking care of me. You really do, you know? Even if you don't realize it, you keep me grounded and sane… And of course, you know that you're my best friend…"

He saw a tiny smile begin to lift up one side of Cloud's mouth.

"There you go… That's it… See, Cloud. I love that smile. I could drown in it. I want to spend the rest of my life seeing you smile, making you smile. The day that smile leaves your face is the day that I will die."

\---------------------------------------

_If only he had known how prophetic his words would be. Because I haven't smiled since he died._

_It's too bad we didn't get to see your parents, Zack, because I would have loved to have met them. I wanted to see who I would be spending the rest of my life calling Ma and Pop, because before we fell asleep in that horrid mansion, you asked me to be with you forever. You had already asked me that before, but it was different this time. You said it with an underlying promise that we'd say vows one day. I wish I could have used my voice that night and told you that yes, yes I would: with all my heart, I would commit myself to you._

_Just one more night, Zack. One more. I keep telling myself that, but that night never comes._

_To be lifted up by angels' wings and carried to the Lifestream by you, and you only - it is my last wish. My last hope._

_If I meet you halfway, would you take care of the rest?_


	7. Chapter 7

The sun was high in the sky that day. Puffy clouds gently crossed the sky yet refused to cover up the sun, causing both Zack and Cloud to break into a sweat without even meaning to. Otherwise, the weather was clear and beautiful.

And then it happened. An ambush of great proportions. Zack was down. Cloud had screamed inside of his head when he saw Zack being attacked. He wanted to help his lover and best friend. But Zack had, at the last minute, told him to stay silent and still.

The rain began.

Cloud had seen the whole thing from the edge of the trees where Zack and placed him to rest. When the Shinra bastards had scattered, Cloud felt his strength renewed. His body still ached and he was still weak, but he managed to thrust himself forward into a crawl and made it to Zack's side, just as a wave of nausea overwhelmed him. He had seen everything, and he knew that the wounds were going to be bad… but seeing it up close this way, and smelling it… _Oh Gods, the smell._

He would never get the smell out of his mind. Even years later, he couldn't even eat meat.

"Z…Zack?"

"Cloud…"

"I'm here, Zack. What can I do?" Cloud asked. Begged. He reached his hands down and gently rested them on Zack's chest, trying to think of what to do. The blood was flowing out constantly from the bullet holes that riddled Zack's chest, and with each struggling breath that Zack took, more blood spurted out and flowed warmly over Cloud's outstretched hands. It was a river - an unstoppable river of life bleeding from Zack. Little by little, Cloud saw flecks of light disappearing from Zack's sky-blue eyes.

"Cl…oud… it's s'mthing you can't help me wit' this time," Zack mumbled, his breath faltering, speaking in jagged words and syllables.

"There must be _something_ I can do, Zack!" Cloud yelled. He looked around him quickly; maybe there was something he could use. A cure materia? Anything? In pieces, he found all of Zack's materia shattered in the dirt around him. Blood glistened on the shards in the sunlight, but the vision blurred as Cloud's tears began to flood his eyes. He jumped up and forced himself into a run to make it behind a nearby boulder, vomiting violently. There was nothing inside of him to give; he was expelling pure mako and bile.

He wiped his mouth and shuddered, standing back up and making his way over to Zack. It had taken all but thirty seconds, but Zack was much worse off than he had been before Cloud got sick. He settled next to Zack but refused to look him in the eyes. It was too painful. Instead… he looked at the sky, spewing forth its damning rain. And cursed it.

All those things they never did and never said to each other, it all came rushing to Cloud in an instant. With each fading heartbeat, he held Zack's hand and prayed to whatever gods were listening and watching to spare this love of his. He could not go on living without his soul mate, for what good was he with only half of a soul? _Zack was the keeper of half of his soul_. They were meant to be. This was not happening!

Cloud heard a gurgling noise coming from Zack and made himself look down. Zack was looking up at him and trying to say something. Cloud leaned forward.

"You're gonna... live," Zack said, then raised a hand to the back of Cloud's head and pulled him forward. Their lips met for a last time, and blood smeared onto Cloud's face and into his hair. When he pulled away, Zack was struggling once more to say something.

"You… are my… living leg..acy."

Cloud swallowed hard. "Your living… legacy?"

"Re..member, what I said about the sword, Cloud?" Zack asked, exhausted. He slightly raised his arm and motioned to the sword in his hand and Cloud took it from him.

Zack nodded his head once, slowly. "My dreams… they are yours now," he said, closing his eyes. Cloud dropped the sword and grabbed Zack by the shoulders, shaking him. "Zack! Don't you leave me here, Zack! What about our dreams? What about those promises you made to me? You can't go, Zack!" he yelled. There was a slight shudder from Zack, his mouth opening slightly as if to breathe, and Cloud barely heard the words.

_I love you._

He thought at first that he had imagined the words, but when he saw a gentle smile spreading across Zack's face, he knew he had heard correctly.

Cloud _screamed_.

He had never screamed before. Not even when he was a little boy growing up in Nibelheim, frightened of the bugs that his mom would have to shoo out of their home during the summertime. Not once did he scream while Hojo was experimenting on him and Zack. This was a real scream, summoned from the very depths of his soul. It tore out his throat and made him want to follow Zack. The cliff was high enough, wasn't it? Were there not some Shinra guns left over from the attack? So many ways… and yet…

_"You are my living legacy."_

How could he honor Zack by following him into death? And so, he took hold of the Buster sword and stood up. Swallowing his tears, he put on a brave face.

"Goodnight… Zack."

As he made his way to Midgar, dragging the heavy sword behind him most of the way, he thought only of Zack and the times that they had shared. It was over too fast. It wasn't fair what had happened to Zack, and it wasn't fair to the both of them to be cheated out of living the rest of their lives together. What was Cloud going to do now, now that Zack would not be there to greet him with a smile every morning? What was the point of even waking up, or even going to sleep?

Waking up could be easily prevented.

\--------------------------------------------------------

_Sixty years, Zack. I'm such an old man now. Can you believe that I've held on for this long? I've watched everyone around me die off. Tifa is not too far off from death herself. Rufus is gone; he's been gone for many years. Tseng as well. Rude and Reno are still hanging in there, can you believe it? All these years, and they are still fighting with each other like old women. Cid and Shera have gone on as well; I still see their children every once in a while. They are grandparents now, and so is Marlene and Denzel._

_Yuffie died many years ago. Vincent is still Vincent; he has not aged a bit. Everyone else is still here and there. Even Barret is hanging on._

_And I am alone, waiting for you. I'm still here after sixty long years of regret and pain. This is my hell, Zack. The doctors say that I have a bad heart. I drink so much that I hope I pass out and never wake up again, but it never happens. I always wake up to the same old shit. Arthritis; stiff bones, aching joints. Things you never got to experience. You'd be kind of glad you didn't get the chance to… but I know you well, and you would endure all of the pains that come along with being elderly, just to have spent all these years with me._

_The times have been changing all around me. The grass is much greener now, and people are beginning to be healthier these days. I don't really care, though. All I want is to be with you. I want heaven._

_That's all I've ever wanted._

_I've written all of these things down so that future generations can know what it was like to love you, even if they have only ever heard your name or read it in a history book. I want them all to know that you were a kind and gentle man who loved and was loved in return…. that you were someone who would die for others. Someone who would die for me._

_Oh, Zack. If only you would come for me and take me home with you. Haven't I spent enough time on this planet, wallowing in shit and drying my tears by the hour? Why must I stay trapped between heaven and hell?_

_I often wonder what you will look like whenever I finally see you again. Will you still be young, the way you are frozen in my memories? Do people age in the Lifestream?_

_…Will you still love me after all these years?_

_In closing, I say once more: Goodnight, Zack. And goodnight to me, hopefully once and for all._

_\- **Cloud Fair**… Because that's what my last name should have been many years ago._

\--------------------------------------------

_Cloud, are you ready?_

He thought he had heard Zack's voice only in his fading dream, but when he found himself fully awake in bed, he heard his voice again and knew it was for real.

_Sorry it's been so long, Cloud. You just weren't ready yet. But I'm here now._

He felt a warmth surround him completely, and he closed his eyes.

_Welcome home._


End file.
